I recognize the child within.

She is unseen, unheard.

Not understanding how to be seen and heard as a younger child through teen she became rebellious. She got noticed by using her body and her words to seduce boys/men. 
Then she was seen and heard! Wanted! She then felt loved but that's not at all what it was. My heart breaks for her.  She never did find true balance in this behaviour. She continued to hurt and to use herself in all the wrong ways to try to fill all the empty places in her. To fill voids only self love, self-care, and self respect could fill. She tried using her body, owning all the brand-name bags, clothes and expensive jewellery to be seen and noticed. She used food to fill her up to not feel, alcohol to numb the pain of it all and give her the boldness to be whoever she wanted to be. 

She then turned to the christian god. He would fix her. “He” as he was painted to her hurt her more. She completely lost herself for years. 

More hurt, rebellion, abuse came but true healing never did. She felt she’d never be free of this life she had created for herself.  

Until... she made the best biggest mistake of her entire life. She married a deacon of the church. He is the reason she broke free. He is the reason she has victory today.

Without him she may still be stuck in the prison she had built for herself. Through him she realized all of the lies she was living. He was a wake up call for her. He solidified to her that we are not who we say we are or show ourselves to be in front of others. But we are wholly who and what we are behind closed doors. She had had enough of all the lies and false identity of not only him but mostly of her self. She knew it all had to end. She needed to start over,  all over to be happy and have true freedom. And that is exactly what she did at 43 years old. She began to build a whole new life, leaving behind everything she had known for so many years. 

Today... she is happy.

Today...  she is truly herself. 

Today... she has freedom.

She... is ME 🖤

 January 1, 2020 ... a small summary...a short novel.

2019 taught me some amazing things about myself and others. (not in order of thought or event lol) 

I am now fully aware that you can only make an impact on people’s lives if they are willing to see and accept. 

I made 2019 a year of choosing who I spent time around wisely. I also spent a lot of time alone on purpose. I now know that I am not willing to give time to some people, that being in their presence does not bring me joy or add anything to my life. Some are joy stealers and yet others bring happiness and sunshine ☀️. Keeping my circle small has become a priority for me. 

I tried at every moment of every day to understand people’s behaviours or the words they said by attributing it to their life’s traumas, upbringings, past relationships etc. It made me kinder and more accepting of some things. It allowed for growth in areas only I will ever understand. It gave me a new heart and understanding of pure unconditional love, true forgiveness and growth. 

I turned 45 years young and I love that I continue to have a zest for life, that I am the perfect combination of a woman and a child and I am excited to walk out the rest of my days learning, loving, healthy and happy. 

I decided that love has a multitude of sides and how you express said love either makes you or breaks you. Physical love is different than soul love and I am convinced we need both. If you haven’t experienced it I certainly hope you do... it’s mind blowing and heart tripping. Not always easy to understand but always worth it. 

I had a time where I felt like I had failed my partner. He had to go to London for back surgery, travel back and forth every week after for a month etc. and I couldn’t go. I had to be home with the kids. I was a mess inside over this and truly had a hard time recovering from how I felt. I had to just decide that “it is what it is”, that our life is not like others who have a support team in place etc. Through this I was able to witness the heart of a friend I will hold dear forever. Taking time from his life to be there and do all I wasn’t able to for my man, keeping me updated etc. One of the kindest men I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. In this I learned that I can not be everything to everyone all the time. 

We were told our home was going to be sold ... so fun to have to move especially in December... Yay us lol. Our home fit our family and we loved the neighbourhood BUT we had to see the good in this... embracing it as it was ... a new adventure . We moved into our own space (home) together... survived the move of 6 people and have watched everyone settle in nicely. I love that it’s OUR space. 

Very difficult time ... Admitting I still struggle with disordered eating I decided to make some changes. I’m no longer vegan and I am actually just learning to “eat” again. Letting go of so many restrictions to truly learn what I want fuelling my body to look like for me walking into 2020. Health is my priority. 

All in all it was a pretty good year but I’m not sad to see it behind us. Looking into 2020 believing it will be the best year yet. 

My main goal of a new year is always always always to try to understand people better and to love as much as I can unconditionally, to the fullest and of course to be the best version of me that I can be without striving for perfection (that shit kills). 

Be blessed this year. It’s a new decade...a time for all things new. Plus it’s a leap year so you get an extra day to love on peeps. Leave behind anything not serving you well and choose happy and new today! 

Walking into 2020 like a pineapple. Sweet on the inside, a little prickly on the outside, always wearing my crown AND now a promise on my finger 🖤

I’m mostly light and love and a little go fuck yourself. That ain’t ever gonna change no matter what year it is .