Why do we keep silent when we should be talking?How often do we feel like we are living a truly authentic life to have something happen to shake you up out of your unknown fantasy and back into the depths of reality?
Short answer...probably not often enough lol.
I pride myself on being real, raw, authentic etc and truly on the most part am exactly that. Many of you have watched my journey unfold over the years and some of you have even stuck by me, supported me and loved me even though much of it was ludicrous to say the least.
I have admitted to struggling with food and weight for my entire adult life really. From restricting to binging, not one more than the other really. Losing and gaining hundreds of pounds and usually never maintaining for long.
After my last daughter was born April 27, 2012 I was determined to kill this cycle. I made myself weigh in on June 1, 2012 and to my shock I was at my all time highest of 250 lbs (I am 5 feet 2 inches tall people LOL). I was horrified I had allowed this to happen to me. My first thoughts were "that's fine, I will go back to being vegan, no sugar, wheat, processed foods etc. Simple right? I was nursing every 2 hours around the clock (and continued this for 18 months) so I knew I had to make sure to get adequate nutrients and calories etc. In six months I was down 60 lbs. I maintained that until I stopped nursing. Then I was back on a roller coaster ride...many days on end I'd consume maybe 300 calories and then binge for a day or two (still healthy foods so it was "fine" lol) and consume likely 4000 calories. I seemed to get that under control because I was determined not to stay at 190 lbs. I then counted calories to try to make sure I was eating at least 1200 daily and did lose more bringing me to about 180 lbs and maintained that for a year or two again without counting calories but was back to the restrict/binge behaviour. Something strange in me felt very in control this way. I was tired of being overweight, it plays terribly on my mind and simply isn't healthy so I decided to get back at it so I trained my body how not to be hungry really. I could literally consume very little in a day and feel very satisfied. Doing this I felt I was in absolute control and did end up getting to about 160 and maintained that for a few more years there after as well by still being very controlling in what went into my mouth and when.
This behaviour has truly played havoc on my health. I have not set myself as a priority in this area and blood test results last month put me at a 9 on an iron scale of 1-125. I am weak, tired, lethargic and so much more. It effects my moods, my quality of life and those around me.
So here I am today after spending years in "control" of my eating, weight etc I can look back and say I have never had this under control obviously. I have more knowledge of health and nutrition than most doctors/dietitians do and yet I still can not kick ...da da da daaaaaaaa DISORDERED EATING. There, I said it. I kicked food addiction BUT still have an eating disorder. When I hear it, say it, type it I'm like well...there ya go you're still a fuck up and a fake. BUT THEN, my inner goddess who I've worked so hard at giving a place to in me rises up and says "YOU are a Warrior, you've got this. This is just another step in your healing...RISE UP".
I am a problem solver, it's what I do. I am one who thrives on growth and healing. So I've had to come to the true realization that anyone with this type of control issue, disordered eating should NOT put as many restrictions on themselves and that it is more harmful than good. A young woman spoke about this on IG not long ago and I was like "ya, you go girl"...cheering her on LOL. Like hello Tammy, this is you too!
So today I began a new journey to wellness. I am no longer vegetarian/vegan. I will no longer be labelled anything. I will be smart and make healthy choices for ME (there are things I simply won't eat because I feel they would cause actual damage to my body), being present and thoughtful but not restrictive and controlling. I will call it the FREEDOM Plan. I can't say I'm not a little nervous moving forward but I am excited to heal.
Please remember, there is nothing too big, too much, too embarrassing, too whatever that you are going through that you can not heal from. It takes time and perseverance BUT it will happen. Hell, it may take YEARS even but keep pressing in to FREEDOM.
I choose to believe in miracles and I also know we make them happen ourselves.... so CHOOSE today! Be the most amazing human you can be and choose to heal in all areas of your life. I promise you, you will not regret it.
Be Blessed xo
