FREEDOM

     Why do we keep silent when we should be talking?

How often do we feel like we are living a truly authentic life to have something happen to shake you up out of your unknown fantasy and back into the depths of reality?
Short answer...probably not often enough lol.

I pride myself on being real, raw, authentic etc and truly on the most part am exactly that. Many of you have watched my journey unfold over the years and some of you have even stuck by me, supported me and loved me even though much of it was ludicrous to say the least.

I have admitted to struggling with food and weight for my entire adult life really. From restricting to binging, not one more than the other really. Losing and gaining hundreds of pounds and usually never maintaining for long.

After my last daughter was born April 27, 2012 I was determined to kill this cycle. I made myself weigh in on June 1, 2012 and to my shock I was at my all time highest of 250 lbs (I am 5 feet 2 inches tall people LOL). I was horrified I had allowed this to happen to me. My first thoughts were "that's fine, I will go back to being vegan, no sugar, wheat, processed foods etc. Simple right? I was nursing every 2 hours around the clock (and continued this for 18 months) so I knew I had to make sure to get adequate nutrients and calories etc. In six months I was down 60 lbs. I maintained that until I stopped nursing. Then I was back on a roller coaster ride...many days on end I'd consume maybe 300 calories and then binge for a day or two (still healthy foods so it was "fine" lol) and consume likely 4000 calories.  I seemed to get that under control because I was determined not to stay at 190 lbs. I then counted calories to try to make sure I was eating at least 1200 daily and did lose more bringing me to about 180 lbs and maintained that for a year or two again without counting calories but was back to the restrict/binge behaviour.  Something strange in me felt very in control this way. I was tired of being overweight, it plays terribly on my mind and simply isn't healthy so I decided to get back at it so I trained my body how not to be hungry really. I could literally consume very little in a day and feel very satisfied. Doing this I felt I was in absolute control and did end up getting to about 160 and maintained that for a few more years there after as well by still being very controlling in what went into my mouth and when.

This behaviour has truly played havoc on my health. I have not set myself as a priority in this area and blood test results last month put me at a 9 on an iron scale of 1-125. I am weak, tired, lethargic and so much more. It effects my moods, my quality of life and those around me.

So here I am today after spending years in "control" of my eating, weight etc I can look back and say I have never had this under control obviously. I have more knowledge of health and nutrition than most doctors/dietitians do and yet I still can not kick ...da da da daaaaaaaa DISORDERED EATING. There, I said it. I kicked food addiction BUT still have an eating disorder. When I hear it, say it, type it I'm like well...there ya go you're still a fuck up and a fake.  BUT THEN, my inner goddess who I've worked so hard at giving a place to in me rises up and says "YOU are a Warrior,  you've got this. This is just another step in your healing...RISE UP".

I am a problem solver, it's what I do. I am one who thrives on growth and healing. So I've had to come to the true realization that anyone with this type of control issue, disordered eating should NOT put as many restrictions on themselves and that it is more harmful than good. A young woman spoke about this on IG not long ago and I was like "ya, you go girl"...cheering her on LOL. Like hello Tammy, this is you too!

So today I began a new journey to wellness. I am no longer vegetarian/vegan. I will no longer be labelled anything. I will be smart and make healthy choices for ME (there are things I simply won't eat because I feel they would cause actual damage to my body), being present and thoughtful but not restrictive and controlling. I will call it the FREEDOM Plan. I can't say I'm not a little nervous moving forward but I am excited to heal.

Please remember, there is nothing too big, too much, too embarrassing, too whatever that you are going through that you can not heal from. It takes time and perseverance BUT it will happen. Hell, it may take YEARS even but keep pressing in to FREEDOM.


I choose to believe in miracles and I also know we make them happen ourselves.... so CHOOSE today! Be the most amazing human you can be and choose to heal in all areas of your life. I promise you, you will not regret it.

Be Blessed xo

Turning 45!

May 11, 1974 I was brought into this amazing world as a tiny little human wearing an earth suit and my original forever Soul watching over me. Delivered in Mattawa, ON, brought home to Rutherglen, ON to be raised there my whole life until I moved out at 19. My parents still to this day reside together in the very same home I was raised in all those years.

I'm not sure the exact time I became excited about "aging" but definitely recall being excited about my 40th birthday. What an honour and a privilege to walk this walk for so many beautiful years. I am a fortunate woman. Some years better than others and some literally just a complete shit show. All for learning, all for the accomplishment of who I am today. 

Aging is a gift not given to all. Many lose their lives far too early, never maturing to an age where they are certain and comfortable in their own skin (earth suit).  Aging is a time to embrace what we were taught not to accept as young children, teens and even adults. Things such as wrinkles, grey hair, thinning hair, sagging skin, loss of lustre in the skin etc. I am here to tell you that aging as a woman can be amazing and beautiful. You must appreciate it and accept it as it is inevitable anyway. Why not choose to do it well? Why not choose to do it gracefully? Why not choose to do it with class and as magical AF? 

I am sooooooooo excited to turn 45 this year I can not even begin to truly explain to you. I am not sure I can even comprehend it all myself. I am beyond blessed to be here today, in the health I am in, the amazing adult children I have who are my absolute best friends, to be this age and say "um ya, I have a 7 year old"... not everyone is given these gifts. 

Growing and aging are two of my favourite things to be quite honest. I do not want to live one day of my life not growing. This looks different to every human alive. I challenge you to find what, where you want to or even need to grow and make it a priority. Don't waste your life just "doing". We are human beings...so BE your BEST human. Do your Soul proud, meet your tests and graduate your lessons so you don't have to keep repeating them earth suit after earth suit after...you get the picture. Your Soul wants you to see your best potential and reach it. You can do this I promise you. Everything you need is already inside of you, you just have to want it bad enough, be willing to put the time in and most importantly just BE. Not everything is a rat race, you do NOT have to be stimulated all the time...turn off the tv, put down your phone, don't go out for coffee, don't buy the "next best thing" etc...just BE, rest, seek, learn and grow into your next level of being. Don't over do it, don't strive...just allow it to happen. You won't be sorry you did and you won't ever regret NOT having to do the lesson over and over and over until you get it right. I am not suggesting life will be perfect or that everyday will be grand etc. You will struggle and you will have to fight to be who you want to be, believe in what you choose and keep going. you got this. Once you get your head around it I'm telling you you will be the most powerful woman you have ever been in your entire life. 

I want 45 to be a year that I re evaluate every thing and every person I am involved in/with and put all in its proper place of importance and priority. Anything that doesn't serve me must go. Anyone I have out grown will be loved and released. Anyone I need to love must be brought forth. Anything I want to do I must find a way to do it. I can't wait forever for all I want to do and for all those I want to have or not have in my life. Forever doesn't exist for us here in earth suits. It only exists for our Soul and Soul tells us to live a well rounded, fruitful, adventurous life here in these earth suits but to not count anything as forever. Therefore...re evaluate, prioritize and keep moving forward in all that YOU want for YOU. 

45 is half of 90 and I'm only 5 away from 50 and that's half of 100....THAT is insane to me.... perfectly insane. I want to continue to be a completely perfectly me BEING and I want that for you too. Life is good. So good and far too good to waste. 

WOMEN over 40 listen here. I see you. I adore you. I am rooting for you. I am your biggest cheerleader, know this. EMBRACE, beware of all the traps that you do NOT need to fall into in regards to "not aging, anti aging...blah blah blah. FUCK that shit.  Be still. Be real and BeYOUtiful while you do it. 

KNOW that you are magical, know that you have power ,know you are strong, know you are beautiful and own that you are in fact a GODDESS. 

Be Blessed, be happy, be YOU!

     As promised in this journey called life I am sharing with you some life lessons that hit me and how I get past them.  Nothing we go through should be left to have zero impact on others.  If we can use our life and our experiences to help, I believe we should.  I didn’t go through all that I have for nothing.  

     We (my man and I) were in a meeting yesterday and I was confronted with a situation I felt meant nothing to me. While I had to state a fact about my current life situation I realized I thought I was “fine” with it in my mind but all of a sudden my heart actually felt crushed.  I think I literally checked out at that moment. I could feel the weight of my past “mistakes” take over. It took everything in me not to cry.  I felt broken and unworthy yet again, as though my past choices labelled me and I was damaged goods.  I felt nauseous from the rush of emotions.  We could not move forward in our relationship as we wanted to. Walking out of that building feeling like the mans hand I was holding I didn’t even deserve. Like I was not good enough to be at his side.  We went for a drive and the whole time I could hear it in my mind. It would not stop. The sound track playing over and over again ... “I’m actually still married.” 

     My man being who he is supports me in these times in ways he has no idea he’s even doing.   I am so thankful for him... my rock and my love. He truly helps balance me. I know I was devastated because I took the time to text a few select people about my heart issue. I think the hardest part to swallow was that according to the government I am not able to be fully who’s I want to be, that a paper still ties me to a man I don’t have an ounce of feelings or use for.  It truly was an incredible wake up call.  

     Speaking of waking up ... I DID wake up... this morning... YAY, and I did so with my strength and my power back as I so proudly aspire to.  Everything my mind thought I was last night is a lie. I am NOT broken, unworthy, damaged, not good enough or not deserving of my man. I am in fact ... whole, worthy, more than good enough AND deserving of the man I call mine and the bonus to that is, this is how he sees and treats me as well. He is kind, patient and loves me unconditionally.   He is exactly who I need in my life today (one day at a time). He holds my heart in his hands and holds it with great care.  I trust him with my life and love him with all that I am. 

     All the work I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown is who I am today. Even with a little set back such as last night (which simply brought clarity to a situation),  I didn’t stay there.  

    I CONTINUE TO RISE!  

Well, that didn't go quite as planned. I posted last April stating I was going to get to blogging again. Today is Feb. 27, 2019 and I am sitting down to write for the very first time since I posted that brief intro about 10 months ago. This just goes to show that we never actually know the right time to begin something until the right time comes along LOL.
To be fully honest I have wrestled with it because I was going to this venue to talk about my life, my experiences, my screw ups etc but all of that has other peoples names attached to it. I didn't want to "talk" about people. I didn't want it to hurt anyone etc, HOWEVER I was told by some pretty smart people in my life that if people didn't want me to tell my story because of their behaviour that they should have acted differently. I thought wow, that makes sense and I'm pretty fly with whatever people would like to say about me and what I've done in my life IF its truth. I will own up to my past and the shitty things I've done, learned from and moved on to become a better woman for it all.

I have had so many people want to know what "really" happened between Pete and I,  how the deacon of a church "really" became my third husband AND why I "really" left the church. I have truly stayed pretty quiet about all of this except to my very very closest people and even some of them were not fully informed on full details and time lines.  In this blog post I am going to try to touch on these (maybe dig a little deep in some areas) and try to stay politically correct while doing so ;)

Pete and I met in kindergarten and went through all our years of school together. We were never close friends and were never romantically involved. We did however become good friends after my first husband (we married in May 1993, he was abusive) and I split in 1996. I believe we became interested in each other at that time. I went back to my husband in 1997 and left for the second and final time in October 1999. Pete and I reconnected after that and began a relationship Feb. 2000. We were engaged that same summer and married October 2001. I have to say we had a really good go at it for years. We were friends, got along well, his job of being a long haul trucker was hard but the money was good. We joined the church 2002/2003 (long story there LOL). We were told we couldn't have children (there's a back story on that but not really important here) and in June 2006 I found out I was pregnant. A miracle baby was on the way. Things seem to stay pretty good throughout all that,  we had basic issues like many married couples do but by the time I became pregnant with our second biological child (born June 2009) it was a long slippery slope down hill fast from there and yet we still hung on through yet another child. Why? So many reasons really. Because we were part of a church that said that's what you do, because we didn't want to look life failures, because we had built a life and a large family together? So many reasons but in reality it was over long before we finally called it quits for good.

In Sept. 2015 we had a pretty traumatic event happen (specifically with my second born) that had me feeling helpless and very alone. We truly were over it was just getting up the nerve to say "you have to find a place and leave".

Beginning of December of that same year the deacon from our church reached out to me regarding the situation that happened in September.  Just to talk...he was 15 years older than I, I trusted him and he became my sounding board for everything, many things that I should likely not have discussed with him and I take full responsibility for that.  I told Pete Dec 21 I believe that he'd have to find a place, that it was beyond over, we were living separate lives completely for some time before that. I thought this older man could literally be my salvation. I'd stay in church, be the "good girl" everyone wanted, my ticket to staying sober (I quit June 2003 and all the credit had to go to god, like I was this weak piece of flesh that had nothing to do with it), he'd be good to and for my kids etc.

Before I knew it I realized that being a deacon, or older or a church guy didn't make you any better than anyone else. We were "involved" before we were married. I became to realize he was controlling but not "terribly" so I  pushed through to make sure I stayed the course. Like one time he was angry I went to my parents with my two oldest while Pete had the little kids and I didn't bring him, or he asked me "what will you do about girls night at home when we're married"...implying there wouldn't be that anymore etc, there was more. I didn't crave time with him the way I should have, I did it out of obligation. I had an agenda BUT I was losing myself at a very fast rate. He seemed interested in my kids. Was attentive to my needs regarding deep conversation on a spiritual level. I really wasn't for having him spend much time with my kids actually because he didn't seem very fatherly at all to them. I continued to think "I can't do this" and yet continued to convince myself and those around me that this was exactly what I wanted. I was terrified to be left to my own devices I believe with the greatest fear being I had "lost" the man I had been with for so many years, who was I now? and I really might go back to drinking. Soooooooooo...October 2016 I married the deacon of a church. My oldest girls asked me before I walked down the isle if I was sure, I ignored them. There were times in that ceremony I felt like I couldn't breathe. I continued on anyway. This is the right thing to do I kept saying to myself. That night at our hotel room I cried in the bathroom. I felt ruined. I was sad and miserable BUT I told myself to suck it up, I'd be better for it, my kids would be better for it and it would be fine.

By November my oldest had heard us fighting. Words from me to him such as "I stopped fighting for a man I was with for over 15 years I will not spend time fighting for you", or two floors down she heard me yell "I deserve some fucking answers"...followed by her texting me to see what the hell was going on. We only had a very very few select people over and I only ever went out for coffee maybe twice alone with some church gals in the next few months. There were times that he'd not speak to any of us for a week or two at a time. NOT just me but me and all the kids. I was drowning. I did NOT want to go for counselling...I wanted OUT but told no one. I recall a few times actually telling Pete (we remained friends) I was not happy and actually sad. That maybe when the two oldest moved to Ottawa in June 2017 that I'd follow suit.

By end of January I was so done with church. I had struggled for YEARS to stay, be a part of, fit in, believe it all and honestly I found it exhausting and a crock of shit a lot of the time. Religion kills but faith brings life. The everythingness (haha, made that word up) about it. I hated going, didn't want my kids there AND was making excuse after excuse not to go anymore. I repeatedly told him our marriage was a mistake and that he should just let me go. He'd have no part in that of course because he belonged to the church etc. My oldest two sat me down about a month before they were to move and asked me some tough questions, stating they were worried about me and I just said I'm fine, I'm good, no worries, I'll be great etc. That didn't sit well with them BUT they were set to move June 1, 2017. I was so happy for them BUT so sad that I was losing my two real closest people/best friends in my life. How was I going to continue living in this without them? I just wanted him out and I wanted to have my peace back. I did not want to be in this relationship or any.  I needed to find me. Needed to be me. I will also add here that I told no one that the 3 littles had come to me stating they did not like him living with us and that he wasn't always nice to them. I am not suggesting I am perfect, I learned to play the childish games quickly.
Seriously, if you weren't on my Facebook you didn't even know I was married to anyone, I didn't even tell anyone.

I don't believe I owe anyone a time line but I also am quite fine with how I've worked my way through all of this and I am also ok with how this all happened so damn well for me and my kids. We do NOT control everything or anyone. Our minds and our hearts sometimes override and I will not apologize for the walk I've taken or the happiness and love I have today.

My mechanic of 11 months came to my house to look at my van on a Saturday in June because it was an absolute nightmare and just would not cooperate with wiring issues that were crazy and seemingly unfix able really. We chatted a bit that day at the house. Sunday was always my day without kids, I always spent it with Tia and/or Sidney but they were now in Ottawa. So I went out for my day...and found myself texting with my mechanic.

Let me interrupt your reading here for a moment...I don't give a fuck what you are thinking right now, not one little bit.

I got home that Sunday and knew I could not live like that anymore, that Tia and Sidney were so right. But again, nothing would have him budge to move. I had expressed to him how we should have never been married, that I didn't believe what he believed etc and begged him to get out and that he was free to tell people nothing more than I asked him to let me go". He didn't even have to fess up to his part in it all,  he was let off very easy and as far as I've heard he has def not taken responsibility for any part of it.

I continued texting with Mr Mechanic being extremely open with him. I told him I had no idea what I could offer him if anything, that the "husband" was resisting to leave, that I had NO idea who I was anymore etc. I had never been treated so respectfully in my life. His words to me were if we have simply connected as friends I will accept that and if there is more to be had I will wait for you. Are you kidding me? A gentleman? What the hell even...LOL

We decided to meet regardless of the mess I was living in. (another part I will remind you that I do not owe any of you a time line so appreciate it and move on with the reading instead of getting your panties in a knot or your boxers in a wad...I told ya I'd own my shit). I was expecting an awkward friendly meeting but instead it was beyond what I could imagine. It was comfortable, calm, peaceful...something I hadn't experienced in years. I didn't want our time to end. We decided to meet again soon.

Let me suggest that I do not think this was the best way to pursue this "friendship" and I was honest with him suggesting I did not want people to know (not for me) because I didn't want him pegged as a home wrecker because that he was most certainly not. He was stand up and said he didn't care because we knew the truth but that he'd honour my wishes. Let me also make it clear that it made it harder because I had hid everything about my home life from everyone EXCEPT those who lived there. SO it was basically only my two oldest who knew the actual hell I was living and they were also the only two who knew about my mechanic.

If you've actually read this post you will see that the home was wrecked long before it began because it never should have happened BUT I'm so glad it did because without this I'd likely still be bound to a church, have no real faith and possibly be a drunk if I hadn't stayed in the church lol. Gotta love my sister...she labelled this experience The HICCUP in my life to bring me over to the other side. LOL

I FINALLY opened up to one other person outside of my two oldest adult kids...my sister! Although I didn't tell her the everything of everythings I felt better that she knew most for that time. I had enough explaining to do and I could only hold it together for so long. She convinced me that I should tell my parents of what I felt to be the biggest mess of my life. So one Sunday that's exactly what I did, they were so understanding and loving towards me, I remember feeling so relieved...and low and behold Mr Deacon finally realized it was the end of the road and he had moving boxes that same day and was moved out 4 days after that. I felt so much peace instantly.

I recall eluding to my mom (as she was expressing her feelings of wanting me to just be alone, and more in my words than hers but if I needed to get laid to do so but not have a relationship LMAO...my sister tried that one on me too) that if a man was to ask me out for coffee I'd not say no. I was trying so hard tell her without telling her that there was someone. I could totally see their side of it but I didn't want to join in on their side lol. I knew what I felt was different than anything I had ever felt in all my life and still feel that same exact way today.

Off I went to visit the 2 oldest with van packed up with me and 3 littles... Ottawa bound we were for a week, all of us in a tiny apartment. It was SO fun.

Within a week after I got back my second oldest moved back home with me and the littles and the day after that I believe (maybe a week) we went to my now bonus kids birthday party...I think Mr Mechanic and I were out of the box around that time and to make an amazing long story short ... I have had the BEST 20 months of my entire life. I do not regret any part of what I've gone through in my life to get me to where I am today.

I do believe most of you have heard this last little part either on IG or FB but I will leave you with a little blurb anyway.

I fell hard and fast for my mechanic after having "known" him for 11 months previous to us getting together. Are we perfect? Of course not but I choose him daily to be "perfect with". I can't imagine my life without him and we have spent a LOT of hours, days, months on end (day in and day out for 6 of those months) together. Do I believe in forever anymore? I'm not certain, I hope it exists, I really do. He is my TODAY, and boy do I value today and everyday with him. He is an extraordinary man. He makes me want to be a better woman. I love him absolutely unconditionally and without restraint. He is my safe haven, my king, my warrior and yet...I know my worth, I know what I bring to our relationship, I am the best version of me I have ever been. He takes nothing away from me but adds to it. I am my bravest, my strongest and the most peaceful I have ever experienced. He is not my better half as that would imply that I am not whole, but my wholeness and his wholeness has us experience love and relationship on a completely different level than either of us ever have before. It's a cosmic kinda deal !!!


Be blessed and follow your heart, don't listen to people...dig deep within, you will seek out all the good for you how you need to.